empty weekend..

yeah, it was a weird weekend, without diana around..

that feeling lessen-ed only by the fact that i had yfm on sat afternoon, readings to clear at night.. and also cos' audrey (thanks) came over to study in the day.. so on a whole it was not too bad..

i hope diana's having fun in kl. thank God for all she has now - work and a work retreat too!

i lost my temper again last night. once again, i told myself not to flare up beforehand.. to rein it in. but i guess i didn't try hard enough.

also, i saw some things i really didn't like yesterday and today. it sucks that i feel this way.. as i let it affect me, my mood, and my loved ones around me. but those things/persons really are a pain in the ass.

i wonder why these idiots act the way they do. we don't need you, we don't need your crap around here. pls, stop polluting the minds of others.. you being blindly influenced by another idiot is bad enough.

this year might be the last after all. sadly, i failed once more.

i guess i haven't truly applied what i shared in ss today - that is, to stop viewing myself as better than others. which is why then, i feel this way.

bleah.

it's been slightly better in school, thanks to God. i look forward to school exams, cos the end of that ushers in..

My plans for this school hols:

1. Diet & exercise
2. Bum
3. Meet this year's resolution of getting my six-pack back.
4. Bum again
5. Go away, maybe
6. Bum more
7. Consider buying the latest football manager game
8. Bum even more
9. Buy & watch a whole series of sitcoms - Friends or maybe 8 simple rules or something else.
10. Church camp!

That's a pretty long list, for now.

My eyes are shutting..

puff the magic dragon.

a heading, nonetheless.

it was a fairly uneventful sunday. passed by pretty fast. worship was alright, though sermon was insightful, despite the headache i was suffering from.

after church.. diana's booked for a movie with her mum.. so i've got no one to shop with.. thought i do something i really enjoy to get my mind away from monday blues (which happens to the best of us).. and cos' i really haven't bought anything for myself for a good few months.. thought i asked audrey to accompany me for some window shoppin'.. but she wanted to head home.. it's ok.

had a lousy, expensive dinner of mutton soup at vivo's food republic. i don't know why people still patronise that place. food's decent at best and prices are exorbitant.

had a revelation while i walked around deciding on my choice of dinner. actually, it happened awhile back when eng soon left, then jeff who came back for awhile didn't seem interested in angora, then it culminated when they were asking to fillup church camp rooming forms. I had none to room with. thank God, He provided bx, ivan and terence (another). but that's not the point.

during dinner i decided that i'd probably head home after dinner with diana and her mum.. thought it better for me that way. so we bade farewell, and i went off to the adidas shop to try my school team jersey size first..

so much for heading home immediately.. i got delayed by zara, pull and bear, topman on the way to the adidas shop. 3 purchases for about $51 bucks from pull and bear made me feel a little better. offer lah. adidas shop and then home. saw my poly mate andy soh, star calefare of Money No Enough 2. didn't get to speak to him though, dunno where he went after i came out of changing room.

this whole friend-less thing really came to a head during dinner, and driving home after vivo. add this to the fact that i got damn bloody pissed off with this uber-pretentious person (no, tyt; i ain't referring to you) i heard about, from a trustworthy source, who double-crossed someone dear to me. i mean, everyone chooses their own paths and actions, so live by the consequences of yours.

if you want to be a 'friend' to another, then be a bloody real one for goodness sake. don't wait till you're threatened by someone else before you come into the picture once more.

honestly, much of how i think and react, no one will truly appreciate. it is with genuine good intentions that i carefully select my choice of action or reaction. it is only cos' i care about someone that i bother to be irate, disappointed or angry. granted though, i am not always right in my thinking and behaviour.

but note this, if i don't even regard you,
be assured that i won't even bat an eyelid when i see you.

perhaps only those in similar plight will understand.

what price then, for a friend?
the last i checked my $1738.41 posb savings wasn't enough :P

screw the 'emo' accusations,
for it truly was
a lonely evening.

hips don't lie.

my fat face doesn't either.

much less, the attitude and allegiance.

yesterday once more..

well, not exactly yesterday yesterday..

it seems like these days are packed with readings from school. i guess i have to find a way to manage that, and not let school become my life. otherwise, i suffer in the end.

it seems like these days i can't control my rage. i lost it again coming home from diana's. somemore, i told myself beforehand, dun lose your cool, whatever happens, dun lose your cool.

all it took was for one word to come out of my mouth, and the rest soon followed.

this is not good.

perhaps, i should go back to kindergarten and start learning to count from one to ten, slowly.

sigh.

if God gives me a trial,

He'll see me through it.

aargh!

again.

seriously though,

i wonder why the truth and reality of things cannot be anymore obvious to the individuals i'm thinking about.

..or, then again, am i the one oblivious to the truth, instead?

oops,

i did it again.

the power of the pen..

..showing forth the futility of our efforts.

que sera sera, whatever will be, will be.

God explains His reason for my trial..

He didn't need to, but He did.

God spoke to me.

Relinquish control over your life. all aspects. just trust that He is sovereign.

God, help me.

trials from God..

punishment or love?