i recall..

last year, somewhere late october-early november, during the final weeks before my term exams, problems arose from every possible area of my life..

from my health, to friendships, to relationships, to family, to diana's health (she had to go to hospital a week before my exams), to family appointments/errands, etc..

but by going through these situations, God taught me that when i work in future, and have my own career, these things will continue to remain and that i will have to prioritise them accordingly.

thank God for His wisdom to teach me this valuable lesson at the right time.

i survived my exams, and 5 semesters of university.

PTL.

shit.

seems like 2009's troubles are already here.

this song springs to mind:
i look to the shepherd
he meets all my needs
beside the still waters, He faithfully leads
bringing peace to my soul..

at this point in time:
i am not looking to the shepherd
i probably don't trust him to meet all my needs
i know he faithfully leads but i'm not following
that's probably why there isn't peace in my soul.
--

on a brighter note, been stuck in front of the teevee past 2 days bringing myself and diana up to speed with 'The Little Nyonya' on mobtv, which by the way ends monday. think we watched something like 23 episodes in 2 days. going to finish the remaining 9 tomorrow. it's a good drama serial, good plot, etc. i should know. showoff.

more apparent.

don't know why history repeats itself.

situ's words stick in my head.

it happened once a few year's back, it's happening again.

what is wrong with me? were my motives wrong? did i crave something more than what i should?

all i know is that it may be time to take my hands off. not ideal situation - i certainly feel i could do much more for them.

not anymore, like last time, not anymore.

since you want it, i pass it on to you.

it's better this way. no more second-guesses, no more fears, no more concerns, no more interference for you from me, in whatever battles you are fighting.

a pawn,
no more.

take bloody good care of them,
make no mistake though, i know the motivation for the battles you're fighting.

nothing to lose.

been thinking about what someone once told me long time ago. i used to think that it didn't make sense, that it was a result of one drawing away from God. more so recently though, that person's words are starting to hold some truth, making some sense.

perhaps it's really better to slack off.
perhaps it's really easier on the heart if i didn't bother that much.
perhaps being a nominal youth leader would mean lesser problems.
perhaps life will really be more carefree without those concerns.
perhaps life will really be plagued with lesser worries if i didn't serve.
perhaps not investing so much time in people would protect myself.

then,
perhaps people will truly appreciate your work.
perhaps people will really know the difference that you make.
perhaps people will show concern for you because they really care for you and not because of some of other reason.
perhaps not investing so much time in people would protect myself.
perhaps it'll be cool to just come to church at 3.20pm, sit in, worship, listen to sermon, go home.
--
i just like to say that in life, things aren't exactly what they seem to be. in fact, things are never what they seem to be. and before anyone thinks that i'm being an eternal sceptic, i'm not.

it's true.

just stating what i know for some time now of others & myself. things are never what they seem they are - with others and with me.

we're all pawns in each other's battles.
we make others pawns in our own battles, where we ourselves reign as king.

a vicious cycle.
who prevails?
who will declare 'checkmate' 1st?
whose 'checkmate' will matter most?

time will tell. for now though, i can tell.