God is indeed speaking to me..

can i trust that God wants the best for me,

even when humanly, it doesn't seem that way?

often the solutions to our problems..

..lie within the problems themselves.

sometimes God needs to shout..

and so you know.. okay.. only those close enough would.. it's been a slightly rougher than usual past week.. with the handling of a school project (something that usually doesn't faze me too much)..

my melancholic state continued late up till last night.. despite the blessing of watching Ronaldinho, Anderson and Diego weave their magic for free.. compounded by some issues with diana.

i slept alright, surprisingly. woke up sian, unsurprisingly, given the prospect of a full day in school.. plus another the day after..

a showered proved to be a bit of a remedy..

as i trudged (-.-) down the hill, i thought to myself, that perhaps i shouldn't be hiding my imperfections (and there are many, i assure you) behind a steely, cool & critical exterior.

i thanked God for not giving up on me (much unlike what someone else said about him/herself.. oops, here i go again), for pulling me up when i fell, for His Word that encouraged me. I also asked as usual that He'll speak to me through QT today..

then i stoned as i usually do on the first bus-ride (10 or 200) towards kent ridge interchange where i hop on the second bus (151) to school..

i think the irritation and the pent up frustration of the past week finally took its toll on me.. i tolerated and tried to control the display of much emotions (tears or anger) till that moment..

here's what happened..

One stops away from the interchange at Miss Chong's home (Neo Pee Teck lane), this idiot (i'm being nice here, i guess) boarded the bus.. Now i know and recognise him because i had a mini-run-in with him before..

This 40+ year old idiot (i shan't name his race here, in case anyone thinks i'm racist) loves to jump in front of bus queues, burp in people's faces just cos' they are next to him when boarding the bus, point the middle finger, blow bubbles with saliva and utter vulgarities at you..

i usually try to avoid him, just making sure he's in my line of sight in case if attempts anything stupid on me..

i did the same today when he boarded the bus carrying his guitar.. i was seated next to the exit of a double-decked bus.. his bumbling self, caused him to lose balance and he subsequently knocked his guitar on that red, old transitlink machine.

with the incident occuring in my face, i couldn't ignore it.. but i told myself .."ok, just look away and ignore".. then the idiot, knowing who i was from past encounters, saw me, walked past and burped in my direction. very audibly, and disgustingly.

i turned and stared him down, before looking away.. my eyes were getting tired from not blinking, lah..


then he muttered (tried to, but failed miserably) an obscenity - shan't say what - that totally pissed me off.

i asked the driver if he heard it.. and he told me to ignore him anyway..

so i thought i could! i guess i didn't start counting to 10 before responding to that idiot as i prepared to get off the bus..

he again, rushed to the exit, pushing his way in front of this other lady, who was obviously shocked and irritated at his behaviour..

that's when i let fly at him. i totally lost it.

I shan't say what i said.. but they were very unkind words. Words that i thought at that moment really were appropriate on an idiot like him. My rage was truly uncontained.. i railed at him even after getting off the bus..

he?

he just retreated into his shell, and kept silent, knowing full well that he has been pissing me off and really, pissed me off even more on a wrong day..

even after i walked away, i couldn't resist one last dig at him.. think it was at this time, he thought that his life was in grave danger (no lah, i wasn't going to kill him, but i think he certainly thought so!) he hurried up the next available bus! which i think wouldn't bring him to his desired stop.

now, that i was alone.. i calmed myself down and thought.. wah! what happened with me? i haven't lost my cool like that in ages (seriously..)

is it something to be proud of? no.

did it occur due to my frustrations of the past week? no, but the past week contributed to my reaction.

is it something God would have been pleased with, given how much i said that i must walk closer to Him before He shouts at me again? no.

i immediately confessed. 1 john 1:9, thankfully.

hopped onto my bus, did QT and this passage below says it all about how God's timing is so real.

i got off the bus at school.. wanting to finish reading the rest of the above passage before class.. unknowingly after that, i broke out in song to God.. "thank you for the cross, the mighty cross"..

at that moment, i missed the company of my loved ones..

yeah, so that was the occurences from 830am to 930am this morning.. sheesh too long.

As i ponder all that happened, sometimes i feel so ashamed to share my struggles at care group.. it happens periodically, and it seems like i haven't make any improvements since the past..

but actually, i thank God that this time round i realise.. that i starting to rely more on Him and His Word - verses like 'his grace is sufficient for me", "i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", he wouldn't let me go through more than i can bear (paraphrased), the Job passage..

but it's tough, it's been genuinely tough, and will continue to be.. God didn't promise an easy life, anyway :)

the passage says that we shouldn't ask God.. "why did you allow me to go through all these.." not sure that that's easy too..

just realised that i'm rambling on too much, and the post's become fairly incoherent.. shall end here for now.. tired anyway.

it's been a hard day's work..

for

worrisome, insecure, image & reputation conscious me.

Goodnight.

Declaration of God's timing in revealing His Word as an encouragement, support, teaching.

the last hurrah.

seems like i am going to the national stadium one last time after all. not sure how many times i said this though. the 'last' supposed last one was the singapore v saudi match with diana, which i wasn't totally interested in, but decided to go as that brought to an end a chapter in the both of our lives at the national stadium together.

then came along the samba boys from brazil.. eager to adapt to the tropical humid region that is asia. (eh, is brazil not like that too? then again, most of these players play in europe, no?)

60bucks for a ticket was a tad too pricey. gave it a miss till the lion's fan club boss Sunny gave me a call for one ticket! so i'm saving 60bucks. diana didn't want to go, despite me wanting her to go. ah well.

so i get to watch ronaldinho, anderson, diego, and gang tonight..

in other news, yu guo tian qing, hai quo tian kong :) faggs, you both. haha

in other other news, God put me through a trial this last weekend. wouldn't say i failed miserably, but didn't pass spectacularly either.. i thank God for giving seeing me through this trial.. for His Word that came to mind everytime i needed it (which was quite often)

not sure why i handle things this way.. grateful that Diana understands and is my (human) support in these times.

Thank you God for clearing my mind to be clear about my assignment.

Thank you God for providing a company with someone inside to offer me the necessary info.

Thank you God for helping me to rely on you.

Thank you God for helping me to realise that You are in control of my life.

Thank you God for being my God.

Thank you God for letting me be your child.

terence, out.